When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
You Might Also Like
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I need this for my side hustle.
You got this…
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.