I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
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PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
this came to me in a vision
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
At Walmart during the holidays like..