My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
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I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…