I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda