i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
For the orator and chef in all of us
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card