Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
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*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.