Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
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The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
What the hell happened in there??
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.