6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
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Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.