“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.