In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them