Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
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KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.