Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Practicing safe sax
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Imma just leave this here…………
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done