RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
can you read it!!??
maan!
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what