One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
You Might Also Like
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha