Sheep
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Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me