the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Self-cleaning conscience
Selfie
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Meanwhile in Portland…
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Haha good job!!
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!