Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
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Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
plant them where lol
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.