Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
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Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.