Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
You Might Also Like
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
anyone else like Italian cereal
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.