Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.