I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
“I took care of your clown problem.”
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]