sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
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Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts