Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
You Might Also Like
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.