Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago