There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
How it started: How it’s going:
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.