If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
LOL
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.