Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
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Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
May your day taste like creamy soup.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”