DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
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My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.