As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
How software testing works
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
This is always good for a laugh.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.