You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
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Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.