[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
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If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Covid like
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Life cycle of cat
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’