SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
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“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.