My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
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[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”