Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
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Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.