(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
How all things should be taught/explained.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
me refusing to leave twitter
Every. Damn. Time.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.