Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
You Might Also Like
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
this FaceApp is creepy af
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.