Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?