Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
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My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you