There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday