i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket