OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to