I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
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I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
The three genders.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?