Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
what does he know…
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.