My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”