Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
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Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.