I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
You Might Also Like
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity