Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
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Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.