Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I identify as an antique shop.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.