Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
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him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together