*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
That’s enough internet for the day
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?